To my wonderful wife
It now been 9 months since you left us. Everyone that knew and l loved you misses you greatly.
Alec is growing fast and surprises me everyday. It saddens me that you are not here to see him grow into the amazing little man that he is. I see you in him everyday. I miss him when he not around. He is my connection to you.
I am slowly getting the hang of the parenting thing. It is hard being both Mum and Dad. This is going to be more of an issue as he gets older. It is interesting how everyone assumes that there are two parents. I get comments such as, I see you helping mum or doing mums job today. I know it’s an innocent comment but it does highlight the situation that I am in.
I have my good days and bad days. No matter how well things are going there is always something that doesn’t feel right. That something is missing. It as if I don’t have the right to smile and enjoy life. I wish this feeling would leave me. It’s helps if I keep busy so my mind is on other things.
Everyone has been very supportive. Trying to help me were they can. Sometimes I feel like I am a pity case. I guess I have always been an independent person. I am slowly learning to accept help. Alec is showing signs of this trait. Should I be concerned?
The house is slowly losing your touch. It just a house now not a home. You veggie and herb garden are full of weeds and the inside plants are gone. I always hated the plants in the house. Especially the bamboo on the kitchen bench. Now I miss them. I haven’t moved much of your belongings. The more things change the more I feel that am loosing you. It toke me months to move your shoes off the balcony.
I finely climbed Mt Barney. A group of us climbed it on you birthday in memory of you. How many times did we say we would do it? Every time we camped at the lodge. It was amazing. One day I will take Alec up.
Alec and I are going on a big trip. Plan on going up to Cape York. I want to take Alec to all the special places we visited together. Maybe I will get to see you one more time. Silly I know.
Thanks for my birthday presents. I found them in the cupboard. I wish you had been around on my birthday to give them to me.
I guess I better finish. I have work tomorrow and its getting late. The days that I work are big days. I only work three days a week now. I don’t want to put Alec in day care more than that.
Alec and I miss you.
To my wonderful wife
It is now 12 months since your passing.
I seem to be missing you more as time goes by. The loneliness has set in. I can be with family and friends and still have the feeling. Life just doesn’t seem to have that zing any more.
Reality has final set. I am finding it hard to see my life in the future. Sounds weird I know. I always saw our future together. Raise a family, travel, retire, etc. You were always part of the plan. Well, that plan is no longer. What now?
I no longer feel out of place being a single father. I have got use to the idea and I just accept it as normal. I think Alec being older helps. It still has it moments. I had an interesting comment the other day when I mention I was a single father. “Oh you got custody did you.” Something different.
All the first’s are done. First Christmas, first Mothers and fathers day. You get the idea. They are the hardest and the celebrations always have sadness about them now. Alec got spoiled for Christmas. He got me a present. With some help I suspect. Yes, we went down to Mt Barney. Alec had a ball playing with the other kids. He even played cricket for the first time.
Alec is growing so fast. He is saying words and understands everything I say. He’s a smart little chap. We are going through a wiggle stage a the moment. Oh what fun.
We are not far from leaving on our big trip. Really looking forward to having some time off. Escape the rat race and chill. No doubt there will be some challengers as we travel. I guess that is part of the fun. Hopefully this time off will do me some good.
I am glad the year is over. More than enough sadness for everyone. We have had some great times as well. Alec gives me the greatest joy and keeps me going. He seems to know and understand when I am having a rough time. He will sometimes give me a pat on the shoulder and a little snuggle.
Well, any way I must keep going. I have so much to do before we leave.
Alec and I miss you.
It is now 2 years since your passing. I can’t really say it getting any easier. I think I miss you more now than ever.
We have been home from our big trip for 3 months now. We spent a total of 8 months on the road. We traveled slowly. In fact we spent most of the trip in Queensland. With 2 months in Cape York.
The trip was great. Alec had a ball and he picked up so much, even at such a young age.
I am already starting the plan the next trip. I don’t know when it will be. Before Alec goes to school.
Alec is growing fast. He is a chatter thats for sure and seems to have a knack with numbers. He can count to three most of the time and surprised me the other day he counted to six. Very clever little boy. I think he gets that from you. He can also be a little bit of a smart arse as well. Unfortunately I think that comes from me.
He is back at daycare 3 days a week and I am back at work. I have Alec in one of the larger daycare centres this time. It gives me more flexibility than using family daycare. I figure he is old enough to handle it. He settled in ok. Some days when I drop him off he doesn’t even say bye. Other days he breaks out the tears and refusers to let go of me. But generally he is good. His teachers all love him and comment on how good he is. I think he might have them wrapped around his little finger. He is good at that.
Your sister and I cleaned out your belongings before christmas. I am doing the last bit now. It was a little hard but a relief it was finally done. I can’t believe how much cupboard space I have now. I toke 14 bags of clothes to the charity shop.
It’s a tough thing but I making a effort to move on. Not to forget you in any way. But to try and move to the next stage of our lives. What ever that is. It’s not easy but has to be done. Cleaning out the house was the start of it. I have decided the Mav and your Mazda will also be going. Just to many memory’s attached to them. Eventual we will move out of this house as well. But that going to take a little more time.
As the days, months and years roll on the memories stay with me. The heart still shattered into pieces with little hope of being repaired. The only thing that keeps me going is Alec. He needs me, he needs his father to tell him how wonderful his mother is and that you loved him so very very much, he needs me to guide him in the years to come when he starts asking questions, he needs me to be the best father ever. He deserves nothing less.
Always missed and forever loved
Love Loves Peter