Category Archives: To My Wonderful Wife

6 Years

It’s been 6 years since I last heard your laugh or heard your voice. 6 years is a long time, but 6 years ago today feels like it was only yesterday. The events of that day will never leave me. I still feel the pain and shock of your unexpected passing.

I often feel I want this chapter in my life to end. I am tired of it constantly being in my head and being the pivotal moment in my life. I want to move on and forget that it ever happened. Not to forget you, just the terrible event that happen 6 year ago. The event that changed our lives for ever. I don’t want to be that guy whose wife passed away. I don’t want Alec to be the kid that doesn’t have mother. I am tired of having explain our circumstance to others and I don’t want to feel the constant guilt and regret that I could of done more. One different decision could have sent us in a different trajectory and prevented this terrible event from happening. But I can’t go back in time and life keeps rolling on.

It has been a busy and hectic year. The family continues to move forward. Riding the up’s and downs of  life. We decided to do a major renovation to the house Miranda and I brought together. This will be our home to raise our family.

We moved out of the house for three months and are currently now living in it unfinished. The parts that are finished are amazing with all 3 kids having there own rooms now. But it has been tough at times.

Alec finished year one with flying colours. His reading skills are amazing and his maths is not far behind. He has also found a love for soccer and we plan on joining a club this year. I not sure I want to be a soccer dad.

Over the year Alec has grown into a proper boy. Cheeky, talkative and doesn’t stop moving and loves my dad jokes.

He a very much a independent child happy to play by himself and not a follower. I was concerned early in the year. I thought he was having trouble making friends at school. But it turns out he is well liked he just likes doing his own thing. Walking with him though school he get a lot of hello’s. Especially the girls. When I ask him who they are he replies “just a friend”.  I then ask him what there names are and he replies casually  ” I don’t know “. They all know Alec’s name.

Alec has a amazing imagination. He constantly coming up with plans and idea’s. He gets so absorbed in them and can get a bit upset if they don’t work. He loves Lego and building stuff. I might have company in the garage as he gets older.

As he is growing older and more aware he starting to ask more in depth questions about your passing. I am finding myself  freezing and wanting to avoid the topic. I think Alec sensors this and will change the subject. It’s something I really need to work on. Death of a loved one can be difficult to talk about, especially to a 6 year old who lost his mother.

As another year is upon us Miranda and I are busy getting the house sorted and everything ready for the new school year. It’s going to be another busy year. In all the busyness of life I never forget you or the wonderful and amazing person you are. Even during the times when I get angry at you for leaving me in this mess, I never stop loving you and I miss you with all my heart and sole.

Love Loves

Peter

5 Years

It has been five years since we lost a amazing mother, a loving wife and a beautiful intelligent woman. It’s been a long and at times difficult five years and I don’t think there is a day I haven’t thought about you. I feel my memories of you are fading away as time marchers on and new memories take over. You go though the pain of never seeing or embracing a loved one again. Then slowly your memories are also lost. Is that the way it’s meant to work?

Alec and I have had a busy year. With a milestone, a addition of a new member to our unique family and a big decision made.

Alec finished his first year of school. After a rocky start everything just clicked for him. His reading is amazing and overtook his class mates with his site words. Finishing all 200 before the year was finished. You would be so proud.

Alec is generally well behaved, however he is at that age now that he likes to push the boundaries. He also has a bit of cheek about him, which he displays at the worst possible times. Like when he is getting in trouble. I think we are both to blame for his cheeky behaviour. Luckily Miranda has more patience than I do.

Having a family unit is really good for Alec. As he matures his own personality is moulded and strengthen with the rough and tumble of family life. Something that I could never of provided on my own.

I am a father to a amazing little girl. She is now 9 months old. We are a family of five now, 7 if you include the dogs. Both older kids love the new member of our family and she brings joy to household with her big personality and easy going nature.

I made the big decision to sell our house. There were many reasons for the sale. The moving on process is one reason, I never envision myself living in it ever again. I also had too much attachment to the house and I found it hard having strangers living in it.

I was a bit emotional the last time I visited the house. It was a mixture of feelings. I wasn’t sad to sell it, in fact I think it was a relief.

The house was a big part of lives together. We brought it together, renovated it together and it was our home for our little family. I couldn’t help think what could of been if events hadn’t gone the way they did. We were meant to raise a family and grow old in that house. There is no chance of that now. And hasn’t been for 5 years.

This coming year is going to be a another busy one. As we move forward and build a life as a family I see the future again and the future looks bright. The sadness of losing you will never go away. But the joy in my heart that I get from the family Miranda and I have built from the ashes of the past overcomes that sadness. Maybe, thats how it’s meant to work.

Love Loves Peter

 

 

Four Years

Four years have now passed since we lost you forever. As time passes we have all learned to continue on with our lives without you. The constant feeling of loss becoming normal. Often getting blocked out by the daily routine of life.

Alec is well and growing fast. Not our little baby any more. He is a proper little boy now and loves building stuff with Lego. He makes some wonderful creations. Sometimes he is such a big boy and seems he doesn’t need his dad anymore. Then other times he is still my little man who just wants cuddle’s from his dad.

Alec starts school this year and is very excited about going. I am sure he will do well. He takes after you in the brains department.

His first day of school will be an emotional day. We have done so much together and Alec is what kept me going during those tough times. I going to miss the days when it was just Alec and me against the world.

A sense of ending has come across me and a unease has set in. Not sure why. Maybe each new milestone means it’s closer to telling him what happen to his mother. Something I am not prepared for.

There has been some big changes in our lives this year. I have found love again. The same lady that was mention last year. We got back together. Alec and I moved in with her and her daughter. We have made a family together. Her daughter and Alec get along really well. Being part of a larger family environment has been good for Alec.

Miranda is a wonderful lady. We get along really well and even laughs at my bad jokes. She is also a widow and just like me has had a rough couple of years. We are able to support each other in our times of need.

The other big news is Miranda and I having a baby together. Everyone is very excited. The kids keep asking when will they get to meet it.

I really hope you approve of Miranda and of our exciting news. I have really struggled writing this letter. It’s a strange thing. I am the happiest I have been in years and feel like life is starting again.

However I also feel that I am turning my back on you. Even a feeling of being disloyal, as my life moves forward with Miranda.

It’s a complicated mix of feelings and it’s something I have to deal with as a result of everything that has happen over the last four years. Death of a loved one was never going to be a simple affair.

We have a busy year ahead. But an exciting one. Even as our lives move forward. There is not a day I don’t think of you. I will always love you and always miss you.

Love Loves Peter

IMG_3659

3 Years

Whale Watching Aug 2008To Peta

Another year has passed and another year everyone has lived without you. Three years since the worst day of my life happened. Three whole years of my brain going round and round. The constant replaying of events in my head. Why? I have no idea. It doesn’t change anything.

Anger is what I have been feeling when thinking about you lately. I still love you and I miss you with all my heart. But I get so angry with you. Leaving me alone to raise Alec. We were meant to be a team. To do this together. Instead I am left alone. Lonely, exhausted, tired.

I turn forty next week. I find it hard to celebrate my birthday now.  Your passing and my birthday are just too intertwined. This year it is even harder being a milestone year. So I have decided not to do anything. I not going to enjoy it. So why bother.

This last twelve months went fast. Not a lot of down time. Just busy getting our lives sorted. I guess the biggest news is I started dating. I meet a lady and things moved fast. But I found it tough sometimes and I decided to move on. We are still friends. As for the exact reason for ending the relationship I am still not sure. I found it hard to juggle between Alec and the relationship. I think it might be me being over protective.

It is was also hard loving you, but having feelings for someone else. I just can’t switch my feelings on and off when it’s convenient. Maybe as time moves on it will get easier.

On happier news. Alec starts kindergarten next week. Yes he is growing fast. I have also decided to travel again. It is a perfect time before Alec starts school.

Alec is well aware now that is mother is not around. There has been the odd comment from him or from someone else. Which makes it a bit awkward. I find my self shielding him from the truth. Just glossing over it. But their will come a time when I will have to address the elephant in the room. I believe that time won’t be far away. It’s times like this that I get angry at you.

We are generally both doing well and are ready for a big and exciting year.

Love loves

Peter and Alec

 

2 Years

IMG_0358 - Version 2.JPGTo Peta

It is now 2 years since your passing. I can’t really say it getting any easier. I think I miss you more now than ever.

We have been home from our big trip for 3 months now. We spent a total of 8 months on the road. We traveled slowly. In fact we spent most of the trip in Queensland. With 2 months in Cape York.

The trip was great. Alec had a ball and he picked up so much, even at such a young age.

I am already starting the plan the next trip. I don’t know when it will be. Before Alec goes to school.

Alec is growing fast. He is a chatter thats for sure and seems to have a knack with numbers. He can count to three most of the time and surprised me the other day he counted to six. Very clever little boy. I think he gets that from you. He can also be a little bit of a smart arse as well. Unfortunately I think that comes from me.

He is back at daycare 3 days a week and I am back at work. I have Alec in one of the larger daycare centres this time. It gives me more flexibility than using family daycare. I figure he is old enough to handle it. He settled in ok. Some days when I drop him off he doesn’t even say bye. Other days he breaks out the tears and refusers to let go of me. But generally he is good. His teachers all love him and comment on how good he is. I think he might have them wrapped around his little finger. He is good at that.

Your sister and I cleaned out your belongings before christmas. I am doing the last bit now. It was a little hard but a relief it was finally done. I can’t believe how much cupboard space I have now. I toke 14 bags of clothes to the charity shop.

It’s a tough thing but I am making a effort to move on. Not to forget you in any way. But to try and move to the next stage of our lives. What ever that is. It’s not easy but has to be done. Cleaning out the house was the start of it. I have decided the Mav and your Mazda will also be going. Just to many memory’s attached to them. Eventual we will move out of this house as well. But that going to take a little more time.

As the days, months and years roll on the memories stay with me. The heart still shattered into pieces with little hope of being repaired. The only thing that keeps me going is Alec. He needs me, he needs his father to tell him how wonderful his mother is and that you loved him so very very much, he needs me to guide him in the years to come when he starts asking questions, he needs me to be the best father ever. He deserves nothing less.

Always missed and forever loved

Love Loves

Peter

12 Months

Catherine Lowe Photographer (C) 2008To my wonderful wife

It is now 12 months since your passing. I seem to be missing you more as time goes by. The loneliness has set in. I can be with family and friends and still have the feeling. Life just doesn’t seem to have that zing any more.

Reality has final set. I am finding it hard to see my life in the future. Sounds weird I know. I always saw our future together. Raise a family, travel, retire, etc. You were always part of the plan. Well, that plan is no longer. What now?

I no longer feel out of place being a single father. I have got use to the idea and I just accept it as normal. I think Alec being older helps. It still has it moments. I had an interesting comment the other day when I mention I was a single father. “Oh you got custody did you.” Something different.

All the first’s are done. First Christmas, first Mothers and fathers day. You get the idea. They are the hardest and the celebrations always have sadness about them now. Alec got spoiled for Christmas. He got me a present. With some help I suspect. Yes, we went down to Mt Barney. Alec had a ball playing with the other kids. He even played cricket for the first time.

Alec is growing so fast. He is saying words and understands everything I say. He’s a smart little chap. We are going through a wiggle stage a the moment. Oh what fun.

We are not far from leaving on our big trip. Really looking forward to having some time off. Escape the rat race and chill. No doubt there will be some challengers as we travel. I guess that is part of the fun. Hopefully this time off will do me some good.

I am glad the year is over. More than enough sadness for everyone. We have had some great times as well. Alec gives me the greatest joy and keeps me going. He seems to know and understand when I am having a rough time. He will sometimes give me a pat on the shoulder and a little snuggle.

Well, any way I must keep going. I have so much to do before we leave.

Alec and I miss you.

Love Loves.

9 Months

cropped-img_3659.jpgTo my wonderful wife

It now been 9 months since you left us. Everyone that knew and l loved you misses you greatly.

Alec is growing fast and surprises me everyday. It saddens me that you are not here to see him grow into the amazing little man that he is. I see you in him everyday. I miss him when he not around. He is my connection to you.

I am slowly getting the hang of the parenting thing. It is hard being both Mum and Dad. This is going to be more of an issue as he gets older. It is interesting how everyone assumes that there are two parents. I get comments such as, I see you helping mum or doing mums job today. I know it’s an innocent comment but it does highlight the situation that I am in.

I have my good days and bad days. No matter how well things are going there is always something that doesn’t feel right. That something is missing. It as if I don’t have the right to smile and enjoy life. I wish this feeling would leave me. It’s helps if I keep busy so my mind is on other things.

Everyone has been very supportive. Trying to help me were they can. Sometimes I feel like I am a pity case. I guess I have always been an independent person. I am slowly learning to accept help. Alec is showing signs of this trait. Should I be concerned?

The house is slowly losing your touch. It just a house now not a home. You veggie and herb garden are full of weeds and the inside plants are gone. I always hated the plants in the house. Especially the bamboo on the kitchen bench. Now I miss them. I haven’t moved much of your belongings. The more things change the more I feel that am loosing you. It toke me months to move your shoes off the balcony.

I finely climbed Mt Barney. A group of us climbed it on you birthday in memory of you. How many times did we say we would do it? Every time we camped at the lodge. It was amazing. One day I will take Alec up. Alec and I are going on a big trip. Plan on going up to Cape York. I want to take Alec to all the special places we visited together. Maybe I will get to see you one more time. Silly I know.

Thanks for my birthday presents. I found them in the cupboard. I wish you had been around on my birthday to give them to me.

I guess I better finish. I have work tomorrow and its getting late. The days that I work are big days. I only work three days a week now. I don’t want to put Alec in day care more than that.

Alec and I miss you. Love loves