Same but Different

The birth of Hayden is an exciting new chapter in our lives and a chapter neither of us believed would happen.

Miranda and I both thought the opportunity of having another child was lost when our respective partners passed away. Resigned to the life of single parents all our efforts went into the well-being of the children we had, while also trying to put our lives back together after such tragic events. One day we might fall in love again and assemble some sort of family unit with a new partner, filling the void of our loss. But having a second child was too much of a dream to ask for.

With both of us feeling comfortable in our relationship and the subsequent joining of our family’s. It wasn’t a hard decision for Miranda and I to have a child together. However we both knew it would have to happen sooner rather than later. Neither of us are spring chickens and the gap between any new baby and Alec and Siannah wasn’t going to get smaller.

When Miranda fell pregnant it was happy and exciting news, but for me it was more than that. For the first time since Peta’s passing I felt an excitement for the future. A resetting of my life, as if it was back on track.

Other feelings came over me too. Ones that involved the first time I become a father.

As the family adapts to having a new baby in the house. I can’t help but look back five years ago when Alec was born. The birth of Alec was a amazing and happy moment for Peta and myself. However it also marked the beginning of a very hard ten months as Peta fought against Postnatal depression, which she eventual  lost. This is weighing heavily on my mind as Miranda and I become parents together and start the journey of parent hood with little baby Hayden.

Since Peta’s passing, I constantly replay in my head events that occurred during those hard times. Should I have or could I have done things differently? Would it of made a difference? I have analysed all aspects of our lives together over and over again. Trying to pin point the cause, time period or event when it all went wrong. Of course I can’t. The best I can do is identified many factor’s that contributed to her passing. The benefit of hindsight and none of it can be changed.

The feeling of deja vu seems to happen a lot. Memory’s are constantly flooding back to me as we go about the daily choirs of having new baby in the house. Small things trigger memory’s of Peta and I when Alec was this age and having Peta in the these early memory’s is often hard. A simple memory of washing bottles can lead on to a memory that I may not particularly want to remember or ones that hurt.

Miranda and Peta are completely different woman in nearly all aspects and of course this isn’t our first rodeo. Even so I am always looking out for signs of problems. Doing my absolute best to making sure as a family we are not only surviving, but thriving. After all not everyone gets a second chance.

1 thought on “Same but Different

  1. Lois

    My heart goes out to you both. You have both experienced such tragic losses and to see the happiness you have brought to Miranda is a wonderful reminder that life can be good, great, exciting and full of promise.
    Hayden is a beautiful blessing for all of you (and Nanna & Poppa).
    We love that you are both happy.

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