To Peta

Another year has passed and another year everyone has lived without you. Three years since the worst day of my life happened. Three whole years of my brain going round and round. The constant replaying of events in my head. Why? I have no idea. It doesn’t change anything.

Anger is what I have been feeling when thinking about you lately. I still love you and I miss you with all my heart. But I get so angry with you. Leaving me alone to raise Alec. We were meant to be a team. To do this together. Instead I am left alone. Lonely, exhausted, tired.

I turn forty next week. I find it hard to celebrate my birthday now.  Your passing and my birthday are just too intertwined. This year it is even harder being a milestone year. So I have decided not to do anything. I not going to enjoy it. So why bother.

This last twelve months went fast. Not a lot of down time. Just busy getting our lives sorted. I guess the biggest news is I started dating. I meet a lady and things moved fast. But I found it tough sometimes and I decided to move on. We are still friends. As for the exact reason for ending the relationship I am still not sure. I found it hard to juggle between Alec and the relationship. I think it might be me being over protective.

It is was also hard loving you, but having feelings for someone else. I just can’t switch my feelings on and off when it’s convenient. Maybe as time moves on it will get easier.

On happier news. Alec starts kindergarten next week. Yes he is growing fast. I have also decided to travel again. It is a perfect time before Alec starts school.

Alec is well aware now that is mother is not around. There has been the odd comment from him or from someone else. Which makes it a bit awkward. I find my self shielding him from the truth. Just glossing over it. But their will come a time when I will have to address the elephant in the room. I believe that time won’t be far away. It’s times like this that I get angry at you.

We are generally both doing well and are ready for a big and exciting year.

Love loves

Peter and Alec