To my wonderful wife

It now been 9 months since you left us. Everyone that knew and l loved you misses you greatly.

Alec is growing fast and surprises me everyday. It saddens me that you are not here to see him grow into the amazing little man that he is. I see you in him everyday. I miss him when he not around. He is my connection to you.

I am slowly getting the hang of the parenting thing. It is hard being both Mum and Dad. This is going to be more of an issue as he gets older. It is interesting how everyone assumes that there are two parents. I get comments such as, I see you helping mum or doing mums job today. I know it’s an innocent comment but it does highlight the situation that I am in.

I have my good days and bad days. No matter how well things are going there is always something that doesn’t feel right. That something is missing. It as if I don’t have the right to smile and enjoy life. I wish this feeling would leave me. It’s helps if I keep busy so my mind is on other things.

Everyone has been very supportive. Trying to help me were they can. Sometimes I feel like I am a pity case. I guess I have always been an independent person. I am slowly learning to accept help. Alec is showing signs of this trait. Should I be concerned?

The house is slowly losing your touch. It just a house now not a home. You veggie and herb garden are full of weeds and the inside plants are gone. I always hated the plants in the house. Especially the bamboo on the kitchen bench. Now I miss them. I haven’t moved much of your belongings. The more things change the more I feel that am loosing you. It toke me months to move your shoes off the balcony.

I finely climbed Mt Barney. A group of us climbed it on you birthday in memory of you. How many times did we say we would do it? Every time we camped at the lodge. It was amazing. One day I will take Alec up. Alec and I are going on a big trip. Plan on going up to Cape York. I want to take Alec to all the special places we visited together. Maybe I will get to see you one more time. Silly I know.

Thanks for my birthday presents. I found them in the cupboard. I wish you had been around on my birthday to give them to me.

I guess I better finish. I have work tomorrow and its getting late. The days that I work are big days. I only work three days a week now. I don’t want to put Alec in day care more than that.

Alec and I miss you. Love loves